But is it Leather?

Dear AARP,

I believe you have clearly made your point. Yes, I know, believe me, I know that I'm going to be fifty very soon. Thank you, though, for driving the point home over and over again for the past several months with your incessant offers of a free travel bag if I sign up with your fine organization. However, here's the deal:
A) I don't need another travel bag. My closet is filled with enough bags and sacks, and over-sized purses to supply an entire tour bus of senior citizens. Real senior citizens, people over the age of sixty-five who are actually retired and have the time, if not the cash, to travel.
Which leads me to my next point:
B) At what time did the AARP decide that the age of fifty was when a person made that graceful transition to old age? No one in my circle of friends, fifty and over, has yet had the luxury of being able to retire. Where are all of these rich old people who need your travel bags? Just asking. It seems, given the amount of times you've solicited me, that you have an over-abundance of bags, but that could be me.
Please understand, I have nothing against aging. I'm doing my part, with my salt and pepper hair, and the annoying brown spots that have started to appear on my cheeks. I assure you, there will be no caving in to the plastic surgeon's lair. I could spew a whole bunch of bull about the beauty of older women who choose to remain in their natural state, untouched, just the way God intended...but the reality, I'm way too cheap. Sure, a doctor could have a nipping and tucking frenzy, maybe start somewhere down around my ankles and pull all the way up to my eyebrows, but if he or she can't promise I'll come out of that operating room looking like Cindy Crawford, then forget it. I'd rather spend my hard-earned cash on a nice piece of art or an overseas adventure!
If it turns out I do need that travel bag, I'll be in touch.